Your Love Will Be Safe With Me

Re: Stacks by Bon Iver has been on repeat in our house since about July.  Last year, July 27th, I got engaged to the man my heart sought for.  I kind of convinced myself that our love story was the very least romantic of them all simply because it was indeed similar to a high school romance; I yearned for him and he was against the very idea of me.  My then-fiance and now-husband stunned me with this beautiful tune the evening of our engagement, a song that we both regard as a part of our love story.

I first “noticed” Jason when I had started consistently going to Victory Family Church.  He was the strikingly handsome guy with the guitar on stage, singing with his raspy voice, worshiping Jesus.  Girls, can I get an amen for guys with guitars?  I mean come on.  That’s not even fair.

To fast forward through the weeks that we were acquaintances through a friend, Chad, finally we wound up hanging out every weekend in a group of friends.  In his opinion, I was a very prominent reason why he would hang out with the younger group of people in the first place (him being 27 at the time, and me 19).  The thought never occurred to me that I would have a chance with him, especially because of the age difference.  I fought feelings for him day in and day out.  I prayed to God that He would take the feelings away if nothing were to ever come of them.

Let’s take a pause here, a bunny-trail.  Many people don’t realize that I was in a very vulnerable place when I first came to the church, especially after the months where I rededicated my life to Jesus.  I felt as though that even the IDEA of having feelings for someone would stunt my spiritual growth because it was something that I had struggled so heavily with in the past.  I was beating myself senseless because I felt like I was right back where I started.  Rational?  No.  But that’s the way it was.

It was around December when Jason and I were beginning to see a little more of each other besides the odd hangout on the weekend.  To name a few: We were in the same choir together, refs for a ball hockey tournament which required meetings, AND we actually went out for coffee once!  Just the two of us!  Imagine the butterflies I had, please.

All the while, I did not realize that I was under Jason’s microscope and finally one day I was asked if I was ready to date somebody (via Pastor Dan – a youth pastor at our church whom I have a very close relationship with) – And I answered no because I was too caught up with my feelings for Jason that I couldn’t even fathom being ready to date someone else as it wouldn’t be fair to them.  He proceeded to tell me that Jason liked me.  And I lost it.  No, not in a good way.  I was so upset that the man I looked up to as a father would tease me about something so sensitive.  I was so persuaded that Jason would never like me that I couldn’t even receive the truth!

Again, let’s fast forward.  Jason and I had a meeting for a ball hockey tournament that required all refs to be present.  He was my ride since, at the time, I was not driving.  Afterwards, I asked Jason if he wanted to hang out with people, and so we both started texting around and no one was answering.  So Jason suggested that we go to his house and wait it out.

He made us tea and (this is all still very vivid to me) began walking over with the two cups and said “So…Want to talk about the elephant in the room?” — in my head this meant that he was going to tell me to lay off and that we were never going to work out so let it go.

“You dig me..” Duh. “And I dig you..”

The rest is history.  🙂

July marks the month of our engagement and I have so many reminders of how in love I am with him.  Re: Stacks is the song of the month because the first kiss I had with this man of God was to this tune, and when he got down on one knee, this is what I heard playing blissfully in the background.  I wish I could paint a perfect picture of how it all went down, but this will have to do.  Thank you for reading, you wonderful human being.

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